I know you're not a fool.

Recalling the day , I can only find two words to describe it: enjoyment and fulfillment.

 I finished spring semester in college. I fully enjoyed my love . I feel those two words more than anything. I can't wait until tomorrow where it is uncertain in which what I shall do because there aren't any more classes until June. This is unsettling in the few moments after the official ending of spring . But ever since the tryouts I have been so much more thankful and happy for my life. I didn't make the team but that was no matter. I guess you could call it a humbling experience.

I am setting back to my old (better) ways. Something in the air, the situations. I feel it. I have been medicated for so long that I forgot how to cope. And coping the natural way , growing, improving is much better than just feeling okay. I am calming down and standing up all at the same time in balance. There is improvement. 

I keep replaying the day inside my head and I go to the moments before this one ; The dark is night blue and the otherworldly glow of city lights fly past us as we talk happily of many things, discuss seriousness and are just a unit, our love glows too. Nothing epic happened in this day but I sure did feel a lot closer than I ever had. I love him so much. Everything he is as my favorite person partner.  I enjoy our time together. I enjoy our journeys. I enjoy our life together. 

Speaking in colors, there is this warm golden sunlight surrounding the memories, warm and beautiful and happy. They feel like other ones I love, like I will always remember them. I hope so, because the past is a guideline for the future if I ever get lost in the present. 

I feel completely content as far as happiness goes. It  didn't even matter, that whole painful experience today. It just washes away with the happy smiles and understanding of a kind beautiful person who engulfs my memories. 

I am healing; I am getting better. 

This too makes me happy.

and then the word happy. 

happy .

:)

Aura Colors

I've always known about Aura Colors. .. Well honestly for a really long time. Now that I've been medicated for so long my sensitivity to things have gone away quite a bit. Just a few moments ago I was reading Pamela Oslie's Website ... About her book Life Colors. I had bought the book a while back, actually I think we had it and I found it , read it, finding so much more information about myself and knowledge about how I act the way I do... It helped me become much more spiritual, sensitive and basically catalyzed a movement in my life to do exactly what I felt like I came here to do. To go with my feelings instead of ignoring them. But as life went on I just forgot about that, now I am coming back to it. Living with meaning . Going with my feelings because in my opinion if you don't do exactly what you wanted to you won't be satisfied with your life. There are reasons you want and dream for things for your future. Well back to the sensitivity: I am SENSITIVE . In this weird , makes life seem like a Harry Potter movie or something sort of way. 

For example (true story by the way): I was eating at Panda Express, and was about to reach for my fortune cookie. But something was really pulling me towards the cookie given to my fiancé. I debated whether I should switch his or not, and just decided to go with my gut, I mean what harm could it do? Well, I come to open the cookie and there is no fortune paper inside! Coincidence ? I think not. I usually just open my cookies and read them but for some reason I was feeling intensely towards it. My fiancé said it looked like I did some sort of trick because it happened  all so perfectly. 

But that's just how my life would be (before all the medications). I have a bumper sticker on my wall that says "Strange things happen to me" (Harry Potter). Ever since going off multiple medications and being almost drug free that saying has been true. More and more I feel like I need to reveal the truth, live by my morals, regardless of who gets bothered and stand up for people and animals, my beliefs. Amongst this drive I feel like I have this sensitivity to feel a person's soul, and their true meaning. Which can get me into trouble when I feel they are being shady, and no one else seems to notice because I can cause scenes. But I believe it's for the better of not only myself but everyone. I might be believing and living delusions but it makes life worth living. Feeling connected with everyone, being more than just a thing on a planet for no reason just to die but part of something much bigger than yourself... And even when you die and there is no God, there is still the future of humanity and this earth and what we accomplished on this planet -- big publicized things or small almost unnoticed things all just as important. We need to feel satisfied with our lives in order to live happy satisfying ones. 

So back to the book. It's a very interesting book to read and although I cannot put myself into one category sine I resonate with Violet, Indigo, and Crystal very much, reading all of the colors can help you understand yourself as well as others. And maybe even change your view on life in the process. 

<3>

katttterina

Killing Weeds and Planting Trees at San Joaquin NWR

There was nothing all around me until the horizon met the sky filled with trees and mountains. You could see the purple mountains clearly behind them and a bit of detail. I was on Beckwith Road in what seemed like wasn’t Modesto, being so west and agricultural. Before that I had gone over 99 and kept going down that one road until I saw a sign that said “Not a through road”. I was worried and hoped I was going the right way. I mean, I had to, I had came from the farthest east that road could go. All the way from Albers Road which was most east that one road could get. I had traveled from one farmy area to the other, but still it was no Yosemite Boulevard. It had to be here somewhere. 

It was a little before 8:30 a.m. and there it was  the sign I had seen on the website the night before. The welcoming flying bird on it, looked just like the one on my Hollister sweatshirt. There must be a lot of birds here if they are on the sign, I had thought. I parked my small yellow beetle in front of what seemed like endless rows of dirty evenly spaced. I looked around still inside my car and saw only a few birds, and then a white truck coming up in front of the sign. I got out of my car to greet them, I knew they had to be the people directing the planting today. I didn’t get to talk to the man much, but the woman seemed nice. They both talked about the thousands of geese that would go to the fields during their migration in the winter. In my head I was imagining the thousands of geese I had seen during one trip coming back from the Bay Area on 132; amazing.
After a bit of talk I went up to this observation deck which looks like it needed to be above some sort of body of water, but all I could see below me was the beginning of  dirt pleats in the earth. The envioronment was anything but plain, the sounds were all so beautiful. I had never heard such calls from birds. I love birds. I have two parakeets, but I wish I had so much more. Their little screeches do not compare to these birds’ beautiful music. I even saw some finch looking birds with red on them that you would think that would be in a pet shop or a zoo. I would hate to see it there, these birds are so much more beautiful in flight, being free. Well back to the planting, I had gotten down from taking pictures and fillming some of the birds and waited with the lady there for other volunteers to come. 

  One after another they started to arrive, but not very many in all and most of them were doing it for a biology class at Stanislaus State University. I think one  or two other people not from my class but from our english teacher Vallee. Some of the students who talked to me were a bit confused as to why an english teacher would want their students to do this. But the volunteer directors definetly did. I was proud.  

After they had all arrived, we caravaned into their property and passed many more birds and it was like a whole other world when we arrived at our planting spot for the day. I had heard a hawk, saw pair of geese, it was wonderful. I had gotten my assignment which was to water the plants. This didn’t seem to take a long time but it was pretty laborous. Then one other girl and I had dirrections to kill weeds with shovels. I took out my agression on those foreign weeds; stupid milk thistle! I forgot the name of the other plant we were killing but it was so hard to destroy. It had a long stalk and it looked like it belonged there since there was so many of them but it didn’t.But once we were almost finished I had found a better way to get rid of them which is to twist the plant and then pull them out. My arms were extremely sore after this whole ordeal with the weeds. But for some reason it didn’t seem like it took very long. I enjoyed the scenery and took a few times just to take it all in. 

The last task we had was to plant a few trees. I was surprised these small things could survive on hard dry dirt. After planting a few of those, the volunteer directors got ready for us to eat lunch. This was one of the best parts as I got to sit amongst all the work we had done and observe and listen to the wilderness surrounding us. I was happy. I felt like I had actually done something for the world. I know a bird like the one I had done a report on , which is the Yellow-Billed cuckoo appreciated it and these wonderful animals will continue to exist.